Can't live with Her/Can't Live Without Her
Change is a questionable mistress. She is most certainly monogamous, she can be repulsive, refreshing, wantonly seductive. Her constancy is what makes us comfortable with her, like someone you’ve dated for so long you don’t know how to live without the person and you’re not sure if you can distinguish between a healthy or unhealthy dependence anymore. You’re not sure where to sever the cord. The only difference between change and a lover is that you can’t be loosed of change. The final results of such a prospect are much more grave than getting back a black t-shirt. She is the girlfriend-turned-wife by common law until death do you part.
I’m not sure what it is that I should or shouldn’t want. I’m not confident in my ability to decide what it is that I actually truly need. There are ideas I’ve held onto for so, so long. There are dreams, too. But how am I to know what’s best for me? People say to do what makes you happy, but happiness is temporary. People tell me what I need is joy. They say joy is constant, and to them I reply sometimes. Unless I don’t understand what joy truly is-that could very well be.
I wonder how important it is that I figure out life by the age of twenty-five, what I’m doing, who I’m with, how I’ll pay for my daughter’s wedding, where I’ll retire. I wonder if anyone ever has it figured out or if, as we get older, we only become more content to endure the uncertainties and constant fluctuations of circumstance.
There's a lot of criticism and negativity going around. Maybe some of it's grounded. Most of it is unneeded. Most of it is stealing life away from the people closest to us. I decided tonight that I want to try harder to be a life-giver, like the Maker is--spilling over.
Thanksgiving Road-trip to NC Mix
Thanksgiving road-trip mix track listing:
1.Moment in the Sun - Clem Snide
2.All the Right Reasons - The Jayhawks
3.Valley Winter Song - Fountains of Wayne
4.Lovesong - The Cure
5.Everybody Down - Matthew
6.Reptilia - The Strokes
7.Right Here - National Champion
8.Really Something - Aaron Sprinkle
9.I Met a Girl - Wheat
10.Company Calls - Death Cab for Cutie
11.Valentine - The Get Up Kids
12.Needle in the Hay - Elliot Smith
13.Upward Over the Mountain - Iron and Wine
14.Overcome by Happiness - The Pernice Brothers
15.Have You Forgotten - Red House Painters
16.Space - Something Corporate
17.Regret - New Order
18.Jungle Trail - Steven Delopoulos
19.Hyper-Ballad - Bjork
Taking along with me (specifically):
Ryan Adams: Love is Hell, prt 1; Rock N' Roll
Sarah McLachlan - Afterglow
Juliana Theory - Emotion is Dead
Miss Off Limits
At the very least it’s nice to know that oral tradition has not completely died. There still are, circulated amongst singles, the rules of off-limits. Don’t call her for at least two months. And her, don’t call her at all because so-and-so was infatuated for three months but never said a word. Off-limits. Don’t even think about it. Boo.
In Gainesville I can be whoever I want. In Gainesville I can be that mysterious guy that everyone knows only so much and say, "that Cameron is a pretty good guy. I like that guy." I can be mysterious to the unusually large population of cute college girls. In Gainesville I can be Houdini.
I found myself saying to the
Gator kids, "it's just good to get out of Atlanta." As if I have been here for years and years and years of metropolitan monotony in need of escape. But everything is still new here. There are no booths awaiting my arrival, waitresses who know me by name and have my favorite drink prepared just so by the time I take my seat. No, I am not a regular anywhere in Atlanta. Except maybe church, but that doesn't count. Everything is so, so fresh. Maybe that is the problem.
But to escape newness with newness? From Atlanta where I have now lived for four months to Gainesville where I have visited a composite number of two times ever? Perhaps what I am trying to escape is that after four months Atlanta still doesn't feel like home, and as badly as I want them to, my friendships here aren't as far along as the ones I left behind. I'm escaping from the fact that my life feels no more ordered or put together, or whole than it did when I arrived here in July. There are better days and harder days. Lately, I suppose, I've been on the harder side of things.
'Cause this is the hardest thing I've ever done before
I said this is the hardest thing I've ever done before
-WertzMaybe everything will feel like it used to someday soon. Yeah, I'll go with that--maybe.
